bits and pieces of the fairy tale

Fairy tales--ah! I have grown with them. Since my earliest childhood, the princesses and their "prince charming" have been of sheer interest to me. It was the princess inside me who dreamed of such a Prince Charming: the handsome sweet yet strong man I would love. My heart wanted to see the person for whom I may dress up, who would love me the way I am, who would be there for me in all times. He will be the one whom I would dance with in the ball room, dressed in the finest silk and sequins. His touch would give me paradise, his voice will be music to my soul. He would hold me by my waist and look into my eyes, just to let me know that he is deep in love with me. The sweetest romantic song would be for us.
But how would I know who is that Prince Charming. Well I knew I would know him the moment i see him. His eyes would speak to me, to let me know that "I am yours!" I knew the moment I would see him, I won't be able to look anywhere else. My heart would jump up, my hormones rushing. I would feel that upsurge inside me.
Such were my imaginations! Funny huh?!
To tell the truth, it happened.
It did happen to me.
What all I dreamed of, thought of.
I remember the day I first saw him. My heart did start pumping harder, my eyes wanted to stick on to him. The princess inside me knew it was him.
But my princess is shy. She kept it covered. She never accepted it. But whenever she used to see him, she used feel the same way.
I remember the days when one small glance of him used to make me so happy and yet so sad. I felt like I knew him for such a long time. I didn't know him though, so could not talk. Neither did he. Because he never noticed. He never used to look at me. He used to be busy in his own world. As if I don't exist.
That was what i used to think.
Things took a turn when he first looked back at me. I could see the glee in his face, the mischievous smile, the glittering eyes I was mad for. And yes, he did look back at me. Not once, he kept on giving me his smiles and looks whenever we would pass by. I can't think of the emotions and excitement that I used to have. It felt like I know him so much but yet we are strangers. We didn't know each others' name. We just knew that he was my Prince and me his Princess.
I remember the cold winter evenings when I used to open my window for a short while and would coincidentally see him. In fact he used to keep an eye on my window it seemed. It was that small naughty smile that would make my heart go Topsy-turvy. I remember one evening when I was returning home alone and he passed me on his cycle and kept encircling me; and everytime he passed he would pass me a look or a smile.
Our fairy tale took a shape when he first approached to talk. It was so predetermined, as if he approached I would definitely talk. We have talked much more through our eyes. And words were formalities. The prince and princess met; their story started. And it's no less than any of the sweetest fairy tales. It was about love, care, trust, happiness, sharing and compassion. I fell so deeply in love with him. My prince was with me; it was beyond my thought. It seemed to be so heavenly. Being with him was paradise. I love the way he would say "I love you pig" even though pig was not a proper princess! I loved to love him, loved to talk with him, loved to be with him. I had no grievance as long as he was with me. I could not be angry with him; could not be egoistic against him. I wanted to give myself entirely to him. I wanted him to have me.

But...

It was fairy tale; and it was too good to be true. The storms came in, ruined my sweet dreams. Reality woke me up. And my Prince Charming was gone, leaving me all alone. We were torn apart. And so was my heart. He was my first love. He was the oxygen for my soul. He was the cool breeze on a hot summers afternoon. They took him away from me, leaving me scarred and deserted. They left me with tears and a broken bleeding heart. I remember the day I cried when he was going to some far place, I was so shattered then to be away from him. Reality showed me that was nothing. And here I am, the real girl. But reality could not take away my love. The princess is still alive, and so lives her love for her Prince Charming. That's a fairy tale. It lives on. Reality can never take away the fairy tale. And so remains the story of my first love embedded in my heart---like the stories of princesses, like the immortal love stories.

Me, Myself and They

Well you might call this a selfish blog. So it is- a selfish blog in its literal meaning. It's about me, just me. I am an individual whom I know the best in this whole world. I am the only person who is no way a stranger to myself. I know what all I have done, what I want to happen to myself, what I have experienced and what I don't want to face. There is no secret to keep, no sin to hide, no happiness to be shared, no sorrow untold. I know everything about myself.
Sounds so weird to me. Do I actually know this person so well! Is it that there is nothing that I don't know about myself. Well I was thinking about this one lazy afternoon. And then I decided to say it aloud. And while I was thinking I was wholly surprised to discover this new person- "Myself"! I have been "Me" for a long time. And I thought I had many people so close to me all the time. But I just missed this individual-"Myself". This entity is my closest relative. "Myself" is not "me". She is different from "me". She knows "me" very well, knows "me" the best in other words! She is always accompanying "me" in what ever I do, irrespective of whether it's good or bad. She discusses with me about what I should do and what I should not. She never stops me though. Just accompanies like a silent friend both when I am working hard for my career or when I am flirting with a guy. She stays beside me when I am attentive in class and also when am engrossed in my boyfriend. She sits beside me when I am sick and tells me that I'll get better soon and she stands beside me when I am getting wet in rain to let me know that I'll catch cold in no time. And when I cry, she also cries. And when I laugh, she laughs louder! She's closer than my shadow and yet I can't see her. I know when I am writing this, she's just beside me and reading it. And she's thinking the same that she can't see me. What an irony. Whatever I am thinking, she's thinking the same. She's just like me, but she's not "me".
She's not "me" because I think she's different. I want her to exist separately. And since I think like this, she's also thinking the same and so we are different. We are two entities who are yet same to "them". "They" think we are same. They can't see her, or maybe they can't see me. Maybe whom you can see is "myself" and not "me". Maybe the girl you talk regularly to and have fun with is not the actual person. She's the closest friend to that person whom you think you know. But you won't feel she's someone else, as she's my closest friend. And she never let's me alone. That is why she exists. So that neither "me" nor her is ever alone. I am with her whenever she needs me and she's with me whenever the world isolates me. But there's one thing I want to be different between us. I want her to be immortal. After I die, she should live on. She will be alone, I know, but still she'll have to take care of some people who will need "me". It is for this reason I want her to be there. She'll face a harder time then I know. But I don't want to leave the world entirely at one go. I want her to live on for some more time as long as someone needs me. After my requirement is over, we can reunite again. And you never know we'll be back together. And then maybe she'll be the better half- whom people can see, and I'll live in the invisible mode! No more to write, expect a similar blog from her then!

betrayed..

The tear drop rolls down the chubby cheeks,
Crying as it descends-
But none can see it or hear what it's trying to say;

She rubs it off, not to let anyone know about it,
Her eyes are red and swollen
And she hides them behind her hands-

Her lonely soul begs for mercy,
And finds herself down in a grave,
There's no hand stretched to hold hers'
And she finds, she's betrayed!

And even if she's just into life,
Life has betrayed her no sooner-
She feels like she's lost-
Lost in a desert that has no end.

So even if her tears cry, and her heart moans in agony-
All she can do is bear on,
Bear with what life has thrown her into,
And left her lonely,deserted,betrayed!

My fault

I was born free a bird,
With wings to take me as high as I wish,
Eyes destined to capture things I 'll cherish,
A heart that will love every life I see
And a curiosity to know beyond the sea.

I was born like a cloud,
So that no law strangles my freedom,
And I can see the fairyland, the unicorns' kingdom;
And when I see the dry land below-
I shed drops of love to replenish the meadow.

But lo and behold, the truth lies elsewhere!
As am born a human,
With eyes that are blind to see the elegance,
Ears that can hear nothing but turbulence,
Heart that love only a person called "self",
And mind that knows only the books on the shelf!
Money is what I have to live for,
Love in my heart can never be pure-
And even if I was born free,
The society has tied me up to the death tree.

And even if I write such poems,
And even if I try to think wide,
All my narrowness, I always try to hide;
There lies underneath my fault-
That I am a human, made up of both sugar and salt
I will be a human and not a cloud-
And I can not change, even if I cry aloud!

A "Real" Bollywood Love story!!

"I am fed up of myself!"exclaimed Damini. "I just hate the way i turn up things!! Can't I be more sensible!!" She kept on repenting alone in her hostel room. There was none around, it was already summer holidays and most of her friends have left. A drop of tear trickled down her left eye, as if fed up of flowing down so many times. Poor tear glands, even they were so tired of shedding every single week and day. But in her two decades of life, Damini did not stop doing the same mistake over and over again. A good student, dedicated to her career and her family, she herself gets surprised how she commits such mistakes. Two affairs and both ending disastrously, it's really tough for her to think nicely about herself. Because she knows she never had bad intentions. She never wanted to hurt her parents, but she is too independent by nature to listen to her Moral Goddess, who keeps on weeping inside her. She loves experimenting with her life, and always ends up in some big muddy pool.
Her first affair was kind of nightmare to her. The guy turned to be opposite to what she thought and after 9 months she had to stop it. And then telling at home and all kinds of tantrum that were bound to follow. Damini thought this was the first and the last ever in her life. She was flowing on well, when unfortunately (or fortunately), this young dude came into her life.
A real life bollywood film started with Damini as main character. Well one might say that the story had all spices of a Bollywood love story!! Neighbours having crush on each other, starts liking, talking to and knowing each other and then falling for each other; then the guy leaves home to study outside and Damini is heartbroken. But contact stays through phone and emails; the two fall more for each other when ultimately they have a mutual proposal of their love. The silly girl did not realize where she was pulling herself into. Things went on through various ups and downs for 3 years. And they were happy, truly happy; even if far off from each other, they were happy to have each other. Damini felt that there was real love blossoming among them. She was very much into that guy, and so was the guy. But there has to be a twist in the story. And so comes the role of the guy's parents.
Somehow they got to know of the whole thing and like any other Indian parent, they had to bring in some real heavy blow to the happy affair. and yes, Damini got her second blow; a phone call from the guy's father, threatening her to stop the whole thing or else something real bad will happen to her. Poor Damini, ever had she imagined that her favourite Bollywood love stories would actually come real in her life. But she did not conclude the plot like Karan Johar or Yash Chopra; she made it her way and boldly she took the step.
Damini broke up with her 3 years long love.
She had to chose between her family and her fascination and fairy tale life. And she did it. She had always thought of herself as a brave and practical girl, though hardly she had proved it. But finally she got a chance. And she told everything to Him and did it. Well the following incidents need not be described; any Bollywood fan can imagine that. Or anyone who had a break up can, but Damini added to it a bit, she told it at home, about the whole affair. And so two wars started against her. Damini at one side, with her parents and her boyfriend fighting against her separately.
And even if her tear glands got tired and her heart kept on jumping like a frog all the time, she was living on; she gave her exams, fooled around with friends, attended her classes and labs. But when she was alone in night, all she could do is curse herself.
And she was not the only person cursing herself, there was her boyfriend adding on, with nice emails and messages, showing how much he was heartbroken. This however did not change the girl. She had truly loved the guy and she still tried to understand everything and digest everything. She even had the guts to tell that she loved the guy to her mother and father and then prepare to live without him.
"He won't understand me, he'll always think that I did wrong to him, but I had no other choice!!" cried out Damini. She can't stop thinking about him. And even if she has got real nice people around supporting her all the time, she keeps on dreaming about him and misses him. But she doesn't want anyone to know this, so her tears need to keep the energy up and speak for her. They flow down her chubby cheeks to tell the world that she is not the wicked witch, not the spoiled daughter nor the nasty girl. She's Damini and she thinks she is someone different. She can't stop believing this way about herself. But she can't prove it. So she cries, alone and deserted. And still keeps on believing that her life has a destiny, a much awaited and nice destiny

Finally into Final Year

Well friends, have you ever seen a river? Ya definitely you have, but have you "seen" river as a living being? I guess not many would have done so. Anyways, you know when the river is flowing in its middle course, i.e. through plane land and all, the river is both energetic and tired. It knows that it is flowing to reach its final destiny but again is very tired of the fact that it has to flow on. And the river hates this stage. It has too many responsibilities and too many jobs to accomplish.
Well friends, you might be thinking why I am talking of this river. It's because we in 2nd and 3rd year of Engineering feel the same. We have one aim in front, to get the degree and open up a path for going ahead in life. But we are tired; tired of the classes, lectures, labs, study load. We are bored of the cat-fights and dogfights. We are tired of the back bitching, teasing, affairs. But still we can't get out of it; because there is still a long way to go. Even if you hate the regular classes and sitting with people in the same class room whom you can't bear and tolerate the same teachers whom you hate like anything, you have to get to the class in morning. And even if you hate the mess food and hostel bathrooms, you can't go home sooner or later for all placements and training schedules. Even if you don't want to toil for your seniors, you are still not senior most and there are always orders waiting for you. Well all my engineering friends who are going through this painful phase of 3rd year may feel my pain personally. Good things show up when you get treats from seniors and when you have a nice company of some exceptional seniors. But yeah, this is interpreted in your batch as "buttering of seniors for club posts". Well don't tell me am wrong, my friends. As this is personal experience speaking. This is my river speaking. And this river was entirely tired.
So now my river is into her mouth. The last stage! This was the destiny I have been looking forward since my fast college and hostel life started chasing me. After flowing through all rocks and boulders and valleys and planes, here I am finally at the sea of success. Here I am in to Final year!! And trust me that's the best feeling yet in my college. Now no more unwanted seniors ordering me, no more fear of getting scolded, everything will run by our own will. I have now more responsibilities I know, but i have my own sweet will to carry out my plans to fulfill my responsibilities too! And that's the best thing I am looking forward to. Yeah of course I'll miss some of my best seniors who have been more than just friends. But the river knows she has to move on, because that is her nature; inherent nature. She would love to cherish some nice past memories but reaching the final sea is the best thing that can happen to her. And now that she is there, at her much awaited place, she is happier like never before. And with all her nice memories and beautiful past she wants to enjoy her final stage. Let's be in first person; Yeah, I am really overjoyed to be in to my final year. And I am going to love my last year of undergraduate Engineering.

have you ever thought like this?

Life has always been a complex sum for each and every person coming on to this earth. And it always has something new and surprising for you every day and every moment. Sometimes I really wonder is there actually any guiding force behind our life? Or is it pure and unintentional coincidence that the miracles in our life takes place. Is there really anyone who takes care of your thoughts and your wishes. When I pray at night before sleeping or when I pray after getting up in the morning, does anyone actually listen to them? When in a very tough situation I start praying silently to make things possible and easier, does anyone pay heed to them. And if there is someone like this then how does that person exist? I mean is that listener actually a person? Or is "he" a power. And if "he" is a power how did "he" come into existence?Oh it's a real complex thought that keeps perplexing my mind. Sometimes I can feel a power inside me that makes me stronger and answers my search for my God. But still sometimes when I keep on praying and i don't know who is actually listening to them I feel scared. As if I am lost in a big sea and I don't know what's at the end; and I keep on praying for someone to help me and to rescue me but I am totally unaware of who is going to come and hold my hands and lift me up. And when I get scared my mind refuses to accept that there is any supernatural power guiding us; that everything that happens is pure coincidence and that human is the prime force behind the world. But somewhere I can't stop in believing a hidden force that is helping me through all these tough ways and that is listening to my prayers and finally making me what I am. I know these questions are coming just because my mind is young and inquisitive. Once I grow old maybe I'll be compelled to believe blindly in God as any other person. And then I will laugh at my children thinking this way as my parents do and try to convince them with the same. Till then let me go on asking.